10 Reasons Why I Hate The World Cup News

EW YORK -- This is the best time of the year to be a sports fan in the United States.

There is something for everybody. We have the National Basketball Association Finals, featuring the age-old rivals, the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics. In the National Hockey League, the Chicago Blackhawks have a good shot at winning the franchise's first Stanley Cup championship since 1961. The Major League Baseball pennant races are heating up, too. We've enjoyed the Kentucky Derby and the Indy 500. And the start of the National Football League season is right around the corner.

Then there is also that big noise coming from South Africa: the World Cup
, also known as the over hyped monstrosity that afflicts us serious sports fans every four years. Read MarketWatch's World Cup blog.

Here are 10 reasons why I hate the World Cup:

1) Not enough head-butting.

My favorite moment in the 2006 World Cup occurred when the nitwit from the French team -- Zinedine Zidane, for the record -- used his noggin to cheap-shot Marco Materazzi, the poor sap from the Italian squad. Watch the video.

Now, that's entertainment! Come to think of it, if players in the National Hockey League did this sort of thing more often, the sport's television ratings might soar.

2) The U.S. team stinks.

OK, so my American pride is showing here. Why can't Americans learn how to play this game? Nobody expects a replica of the 1980 gold-medal hockey team's "Miracle on Ice" here. It's bad enough that the U.S. group is comprised of a bunch of nameless, faceless guys. If they could actually compete on the global stage, soccer -- er, football -- might have more meaning in this country.

3) Soccer snobbery.

The World Cup in the U.S. is really an excuse for people to try and sound sophisticated as they pound down Buds, the all-American beer. The world cup is so chic! If soccer were so great in the first place, people would give a damn more than every four years. Take that, David Beckham.

4) No cheerleaders.

Let's get serious now. If each competing nation supplied an array of cheerleaders, it would enliven the broadcasts, for openers. This could put the Miss Universe beauty pageant to shame.

5) The Bono Factor.

Bono has been doing voiceovers on ESPN's (DIS: 34.25, 0.12, 0.35%) television commercials for the World Cup, making it official now: The U2 singer has officially championed every cause to known to mankind. I love "Sunday Bloody Sunday" more than clean water or air, but I do wish Bono would give it a rest now and then.

6) Detracts from real sports.

Indeed, such as the New York Yankees' pursuit of another baseball championship.

7) Restaurant crisis in ethnic neighborhoods.

In 2006, I made the mistake of dining in the Little Italy section of Manhattan on the same evening that the Italian team won the World Cup. Can you imagine the wild celebration? It was fun to see the natives looking so proud and happy. Problem was, every restaurant was jam-packed and I couldn't get a table. Darned World Cup.

8) Takes away from the real drama of the Tour de France.

With the soccer hoopla in full swing, we're not going to find out for weeks whether Lance Armstrong actually did use steroids to win all of those bicycle races.

9) Hooligans in the stands.

And they aren't all Manchester United fans misbehaving, either. What kind of an example are we setting for the kids when the TV cameras show people in the stands running amok?

10) Has absolutely nothing to do with LeBron James.

This is blasphemy, pure and simple. If there is no tie-in to the national fixation on where the Cleveland basketball superstar will play next season, then who cares, right?

Thank you for indulging me and reading this far. This was a tongue-in-cheek attempt to demythologize the global hysteria surrounding the World Cup. Yes, I was kidding around. Mostly.

MEDIA WEB QUESTION OF THE DAY: I say Spain will win the World Cup. Which nation are you picking?v