Winter Olympics action blows hot and cold in summer

I can't help but feel both globally warmed and warned by coverage of the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics (Prime TV), when it's scorching hot outside and the cat approaches with a razor in his paws demanding a complete body shave.

The trouble with most events in the glacial Winter Olympic Games is the necessity for competitors to wear some kind of safety mask. This deprives the viewer of witnessing all the Sturm und Drang flitting across the athletes' faces, which is why I opt for the ice-skating rink every time.

So it was with eagerness that I tuned into the highlights of the big finish of the pairs skating - the free dance won by Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean, that most famous of icy salt-and-pepper shakers of all time, 26 years ago in Sarajevo, when

they turned in a perfect score. Gosh, was it that long ago?
Yes, according to Prime host Eric Young, who quietly gets on with the business of doing a Quinnie, supplying us with all the statitics and relevant gossip, such as that the South Korean ice-skating sensation wee Kim Yu Na made more than $12 million last year.

Having sat through the compulsory section and been completely underwhelmed by the churning out of standard nuts and bolts moves, what fun and freedom to arrive at last at the free event, won very convincingly this year by Canadian sensations, the aptly named Tessa Virtue and her partner, Scott Moir.
It very much helped that the pair looked like two peas out of the same pod, blessed with similar peaches- and-cream colouring, delicate features and charcoal-coloured hair.
Now, we wouldn't have copped any of that very human detail had their dials been covered in masks, would we?
So many of the skating male competitors seem to have bizarre reptilian facial features that make them look like Mick Jagger crossed with Michael York, and a bit of gone- wrong plastic surgery thrown in for good measure. Not so Moir, who was so sweet of feature that he looked as if he had just stepped out of the stalls of the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Virtue was boyishly flat-chested. However, her choice of costume was outstanding and she resembled a lick of mercury crossed with diamonds in white and silver, as her flesh-coloured skates matched her partner's footwork with breathless timing. After the performance, they replayed the pairs' natty turns in mind-boggling slow motion as they kept Greenwich Mean Time with perfect foot and hip alignment.
Skirt length is terribly important. Many an athletic lift by the man, hoisting his partner sky high and wrapping her around his neck as effortlessly as if she were a giant scarf, can look terribly silly if his face is suddenly obliterated by a panel of skirt as the duo are launched full sail across the ice.