The buzz about Nike's latest ad featuring Tiger Woods gets louder each day and Funny or Die decides to contribute to it. Using the lines of Morgan Freeman in "The Shawshank Redemption", the spoof sees 'Tiger' feeling "burning down there" and learning that he should not text.
In the original ad, Nike used a voice over from Earl Woods that said, "Authoritarian. Yea, Tida is very authoritative. She is very definitive. 'Yes' and
'No.' I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was, I want to find out what your feelings are and did you learn anything? So we were two different types but we co-existed pretty well."
The father of the golfer died in 2006 and this leads to questions of why would Nike use a dead man's voice in the commercial. The brand remains mum about the purpose but told the AP that the audio was taken from a 2004 documentary where Earl talked about his parenting style and his wife Kultida's. It has truly been entertaining to watch the repackaging of Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods is a product, like a little GI Joe you might find in Wal-Mart. Only this one comes with golf clubs instead of guns. And it doesn’t have a Kung-Fu grip, it has a Kung Fu…well, you get the idea. Since Tiger is not a real person, everything he says and does cannot be believed. Tiger is like a bear riding a bicycle. A bear can be trained to do it but he’d rather be in the woods doing what bears do.Is Tiger sorry for what he did? Possibly, but I doubt it. Is he sorry he got caught? Most definitely! Tiger the product was presented to the world as a straight-laced family man. He had big charities and didn’t do the stupid, destructive things so many professional athletes do on their own time. It is no different than how Michael Jordan was packaged to hide the true jerk he is. Tiger the real person was just like the other stupid professional athletes. They do what they do because the can do it. They have money beyond comprehension and money buys nearly everything in this life. Young, pampered athletes are accustomed to being adored since childhood for what they do on the field or golf course. Yes, they might be great golfers and such but they are truly terrible people.
The fact that Tiger the real person went chasing skirt with Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley tells you even more about his character. Jordan and Barkley are two industrial strength scumbags. AWD has personally seen Barkley in action at a charity golf event. Robocop could tell stories on that too. So Tiger the real person let his hair down and who did he choose to spend time with? Dirtbags. Telling.
Another revelation of the real Tiger was just before he entered the Masters tournament. He said he wanted to show he had changed and was now “a good investment.” That’s what this is really all about. Money. We will be subjected to numerous sham photo ops and commercials beating up Tiger the product over the actions of Tiger the real person. Tiger will look contrite and maybe force a tear or two but remember the bear and the bicycle. AWD once read “believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.” In the case of Tiger Woods, don’t believe anything you hear or see. It’s all smoke and mirrors designed to move Tiger the product from the red of his indiscretions and back into the black on the balance sheet.
Personally, I don’t care about Tiger Woods. I feel sorry for his kids in this because they are innocents in this. His wife married him because of his money so she got what so many wives of pro athletes get. They love the money, jets and lifestyle so they keep looking the other way. In most cases, the pro wives are as vapid as the pro athletes. AWD never liked or trusted Tiger Woods from the beginning of his pro career. His first Nike commercials had him saying “I cannot play on some golf courses because of the color of my skin.” That was pretty much BS as he probably had never been refused entry at any course because he was half black. But I could give him the benefit of the doubt. Then I read Nike was running the same ad in Asia but saying Woods had been turned away because he was half-Asian! It was plain Woods would be nothing more than a salesman for Nike and his other sponsors.
If Tiger the product wins the Masters, watch for a big tearful hug and kiss from his wife on the 72nd hole complete with millions of cameras to record the event. All will be well again in America and in Tigerland. The endorsements will come back, millions will cheer his name again. Only Tiger the real person will be miserable because he would rather be chasing some strange with Jordan and Barkley. And, eventually, he will.
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