American Idol: The Hot — and the Not! — of Atlanta

The second night of American Idol’s season 9 moved the show to Atlanta, and let Mary J. Blige take over from Victoria Beckham as the non-Paula. She managed to stay in relatively good humor (at one point laughing into her collar) throughout a show full of eccentrics and surprises — like 62-year-old General Larry Platt’s delightful song, “Pants on the Ground.”

One of the discoveries of the night was potentially one of the most unusual performers ever: Vanessa Wolfe, a Tennessee girl so bored with life in her small town she spends her time jumping off bridges (recreationally — into water). She sang in a voice so unfiltered, raw and rural, the judges didn’t seem to know what to make of her for a moment. Then impressed, they put her through. Atlanta offered other strong country voices: Mallorie Haley, who came in just with the right sort of tousled blonde hair; and Holly Harden, who came in dressed in her Halloween costume, a guitar. She could be the Norman Gentle of season 9 — or the Bjork … or a country Lady Gaga.

Antonio Wheeler was awarded a golden ticket for singing “Heard It Through the Grapevine” reasonably well, even though nothing else about his presentation made much sense, including his stage name (Skii Bo Ski — anyone?) and his attempts at slick showbiz banter: “I’m like the dollar store!” (Again, anyone?)

While Simon was out of the room, the other judges gave a golden ticket to a musical cop, Bryan Walker, who sang the Carpenters‘ “Superstar” with showy confidence.

The annual BFF tragedy: Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders, two shellacked young ladies who looked as if they’d closely studied Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in their Simple Life days, auditioned together. Confident they’d both get a ticket, only Carmen had the vocal chops. They collapsed in sobs, but Carmen will nonetheless go on to Hollywood. Did you think she wouldn’t? According to Simon, they were better together as a group, but both should have been rejected. Right as always. What will we do without him!

If Tuesday’s premiere avoided humiliating the worst singers, Wednesday was Idol at its meanest with Jesse Hamilton, a welder who said he’d survived three near-death experiences. The show actually featured sound effect-laced “dramatizations” of these experiences, reducing the poor guy not only to a punchline, but to a redneck stereotype. When he finally sang, his voice was so reedy and pathetic, Blige started crying — apparently with laughter. Maybe Jesse was in on the joke. But he didn’t seem to be.